1 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:49,835 Well, that's finished the test. We just have to wait for the results. 2 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:54,152 I had to allow for you cheating at your eye tests. 3 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,880 - What? - There's no point in lying, sir. 4 00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:02,114 Last night, knowing you had a medical, you copied the eye charts onto your shoes. 5 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:07,075 I admit I took a peek, but I'm a competitive man. Always have been. 6 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:12,234 - That's what makes me what I am. - We're all aware of what you are, sir. 7 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,431 Oh, the results. 8 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,110 Everything ticketyboo? 9 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,874 Take a seat for a moment, sir. 10 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,874 - Problem? - You don't have any next of kin, do you? 11 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:28,395 No, they all died of heart attacks. 12 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:32,439 Not just heart attacks - aneurysms, strokes, you name it. 13 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:38,272 Are you the type that, faced with bad news, prefers to hear that news unvarnished 14 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:42,991 or to live in blissful ignorance of the nightmare you're facing? 15 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:46,555 Ignorance every time. 16 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:50,998 Congratulations, sir! You've come storming through your medical with flying colours. 17 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:54,233 - See you next time. - Everything's OK, then? 18 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,590 Absolutely peachy. 19 00:01:56,880 --> 00:02:01,271 - I want to know if something's wrong. - If there was, I would tell you. 20 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:04,716 - Even if I'd asked you not to? - Well, no. 21 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,713 Then I would lie and say everything was peachy. 22 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:12,673 Kryten, I want to know. Is there bad news? 23 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:15,348 Lie mode cancel. Yes, sir. I'm afraid there is. 24 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:20,196 I knew it. It's the headaches, isn't it? And the palpitations, the blackouts, 25 00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:23,318 the chest pains and the voices, isn't it? 26 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:26,080 Sir, you were recreated as a hologram. 27 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:30,916 Your exact personality was refined to an algorithm and duplicated electronically. 28 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:34,390 Any flaw in it would be duplicated also. 29 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,591 - Flaw? - It's not common, 30 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:39,035 but it's possible for a hologram to die. 31 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:45,631 Kryten, get to the point before I make your nose the filling of a buttock sandwich. 32 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:52,117 As a result of both genetics and environment, you are prone to stress-related disorders, 33 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:57,798 and your activities over the past few years have pushed your brain beyond breaking point. 34 00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:04,117 Your T-count, the hologrammatic equivalent of blood pressure, 35 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:08,068 is higher than a hippy at an open-air festival. 36 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,471 If you wish to avoid a gigantic electronic aneurysm, 37 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,438 you must start on a program of relaxation. 38 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:21,749 I see. And you thought the best way to start was to tell me my brain's about to explode. 39 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:25,037 You've got the bedside manner of an abattoir gutter. 40 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:29,875 Here's what I suggest. Try and avoid all stressful situations. 41 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:35,160 Spend more time in your hard light form and exercise. And here... 42 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:39,828 Use these Chinese worry balls whenever you feel tense. 43 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:45,478 Hey, maybe some good news. Check it out. 44 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:51,232 Kryten, I don't want the others to know about this. Behave as if everything's normal. 45 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,630 As you wish, sir. 46 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:03,588 - There she blows. - Logging onto the ident computer. 47 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:07,639 - What's this? - The simulant ship we totalled a while back. 48 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,916 We're gonna board it for supplies. 49 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:14,676 Is that wise, sir? The scan says the superstructure could go at any time. 50 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:18,116 - What if some simulants survived? - There's an old Cat saying, 51 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,271 "If you eat tuna, expect bones." 52 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:25,600 There's an old human saying, "If you talk garbage, expect pain." 53 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,872 - We'll take our chances man, OK? - No K. 54 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:32,157 They're cybernetically-deranged mechanical killing machines. 55 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:37,872 Not content with destroying their ship, you now want to steal their belongings? 56 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:41,550 That's like flopping your wedding tackle into a lion's mouth 57 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:45,599 and flicking his love spuds with a wet towel. 58 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:49,992 - Total insanity. - Since that refrigeration unit packed in, 59 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:55,678 we've had to live off a few handfuls of moss and fungi scraped off passing asteroids. 60 00:04:55,840 --> 00:05:01,073 - I can't stand it any more. - You'd rather have a psychopathic killer 61 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:04,277 play your frontal lobes like a xylophone 62 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:08,035 than have another bowl of nourishing space nettle soup? 63 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:12,873 Buddy, I'd hand him the sticks and hold up the sheet music. 64 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:17,113 Lister, they are simulants. Why should they have food supplies? 65 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:21,996 Because the ident computer says they do. Look... 66 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,754 - Stocked to the gills. - It's true, sir. 67 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:30,199 Simulants carry large stocks of food in order to prolong the torment of their victims. 68 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:35,309 They've kept subjects alive for 40 years in a state of perpetual agony. 69 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:40,634 If we wanted to live in perpetual agony, we'd let Lister play his guitar. 70 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:44,031 - We don't. I say drive on. - Kryten, what's for dinner? 71 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:47,954 Tonight, sir, asteroidal lichen stew followed by dandelion sorbet. 72 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:49,951 We're going in. 73 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,756 Sir, can't you see your behaviour is totally irrational? 74 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:03,198 We can remove him from duty as per Space Corps Directive 196156. 75 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:08,349 196156? "Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle 76 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,956 "in the women's gym will be discharged without trial"? 77 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:16,636 Hmm. That doesn't quite get to the nub of the matter for me. 78 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:22,238 Sir, we have enough weeds and fungus for you to scrum yourself stupid forever. 79 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,595 This foolhardy trip beggars logic. 80 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:28,275 Lister, listen to him. When is he ever wrong? 81 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:32,797 He may have a head shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float, 82 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:37,511 but he operates with total logic, and we'd be fools to ignore him. 83 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:44,592 At least let me and Mr Rimmer go instead. We are electronic life-forms and expendable. 84 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:48,799 What the smeg would you know, bog-bot from hell? 85 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:52,515 There's something else. I didn't want to worry the Cat. 86 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:58,829 The fuel tank got punctured when we hit that moon. We're out of power in days. 87 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:02,794 - What about the readouts? - I rigged the readouts. 88 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,951 You rigged the readouts?! 89 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:08,157 I can't breathe! I'm hyperventilating! 90 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:12,791 - Please, sir, don't panic. - It's not panic, it's a hysterical fit! 91 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,310 Grind those balls, sir! Grind them! 92 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:22,194 Let me get this straight. If we board that ship and get captured, we're finished. 93 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:26,990 However, if we don't get captured, but the superstructure disintegrates, we're finished. 94 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:31,955 On the other hand, if we don't get captured and the superstructure doesn't disintegrate 95 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,759 but we can't find any fuel, we're finished. 96 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:38,396 - That's about it. - After you with the balls, sir. 97 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:44,398 We're out of options. We've got less choice than a Welsh fish and chip shop. 98 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,273 We've got to board that ship. 99 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,671 Just pray the crew are rotting in Silicon Hell. 100 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:54,316 - You three go. I'm not leaving Starbug. - Fine. 101 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,717 Unless of course something weird and hideously ironic happens, 102 00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:04,399 like you get boarded by a rampaging party of crazed simulants gripped by bloodlust. 103 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,551 I'll go and pack. 104 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:10,188 Bring your brown rubber safety pants. 105 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:16,276 And your hard light remote belt. We need all the hands we can muster. 106 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:26,438 - Life signs. - Those suckers'll be lunching on laser. 107 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:32,072 Last time we met I was wearing the same outfit. No one's telling that story. 108 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:35,869 I suppose now's as good a time as any to tell you. 109 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:39,396 - Tell us what? - We can't actually use the bazookoids. 110 00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:42,120 They're for psychological reasons only. 111 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:47,229 The superstructure is so unstable that even a loud noise could start a shipquake. 112 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,755 That's why I skipped chillies for breakfast. 113 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,119 - Don't look at me like that? - Like what? 114 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:58,956 - Like a nostril hair in a Spanish omelette. - Why didn't you tell us? 115 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:02,317 - Didn't want you to panic. - Didn't want us to p...?! 116 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:09,399 Let me get this clear. If we meet any deranged killing machines, 117 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,551 we have to combat them silently? 118 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:16,874 How? Whisper "Charge", tippytoe up to them and chloroform them with Lister's armpits? 119 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,877 Priceless. 120 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:34,552 - A teleporter. - Hmm. Fully functional. 121 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:38,548 - Let's grab what we gotta and load up. - Quietly. 122 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,679 It's not gonna hold much longer. 123 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,953 One more trip, Kryten. One more crate of red-hot West Indian pepper sauce. 124 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,632 Shh! 125 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:11,391 Well, if it isn't my old friends, the human vermin, 126 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:18,708 the scabrous slime, the pus-sucking, puke-laden cesspits of unspeakableness. 127 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,317 She remembers us. 128 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:29,709 Annihilated my ship, slaughtered my fellow simulants and you practically destroyed me. 129 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,394 Yes, I remember you. 130 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:38,550 One thing - last time we met, I wore a black number with peach trim and gold spangles. 131 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:44,556 And although this looks like the same outfit, it's an entirely different black number 132 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:48,395 with completely different gold spangles. 133 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:52,673 That was an important speech, sir, but I suggest that from now on, 134 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:57,550 this discourse is conducted by those with brains larger than a grape. 135 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,711 Take it away, bud. 136 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:04,032 OK, let's visit Ronnie Real. This is a classic stalemate situation. 137 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,879 You can't use weapons. Neither can we. 138 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:11,318 Let's chalk this down to experience, and we'll be on our way. 139 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:16,270 Actually, as far as psychotic killer simulants go, you're a bit of a babe. 140 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:19,711 - What are you doing tonight? - Dying. 141 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:28,709 - Care to join me? - Hey, come on. Let's just talk, OK? 142 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:33,277 We didn't start any of this, and I think that maybe NOW... 143 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,869 is a good time to parley. 144 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,918 Let's not hang around. Get on with it. 145 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:43,671 There is nothing to discuss. In 60 seconds, you'll be dead. 146 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,758 - You can't be serious. - I'm totally serious. 147 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,315 I don't believe you're being serious. 148 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:54,230 I do not understand why you're having such problems grasping this concept. 149 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,995 I'm a totally ruthless, amoral killing machine, 150 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:03,399 so why, in the name of all that's putrid, don't you believe I'm serious? 151 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:07,593 I'll say this once more. You can still change your mind. 152 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,992 Think about all we've been through. Doesn't that mean anything to you? 153 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,710 Cheers, Rimmer! He's started a shipquake! 154 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,599 - The superstructure's disintegrating! - The teleporter! 155 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:26,354 I must warn you, the teleporter's not calibrated for human tissue. 156 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,910 There's a 20% chance you'll be turned inside out. 157 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:35,518 Let me check my lining. Innards and lavender, I can carry that off. 158 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:41,956 - What's this? - This is a week last Thursday. 159 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,475 I must have made a programming error. 160 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:49,390 Kryten! You can't burst in on an earlier versi�n of yourself without warning! 161 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,751 You've made everything totally surreal now. I'm very cross! 162 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:56,157 Pardon my paradox, but the simulant ship you encounter... 163 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:58,595 We don't want to know! 164 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:02,196 Don't compound your temporal faux pas by disclosing our future. 165 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,755 Where's the rangy, handsome one? 166 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:10,512 You? You scarpered in that escape pod, you slimy, triple-faced, back-stabbing Judas. 167 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,837 Ah! I'm safe, then? Thank God for that. 168 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:18,397 Don't talk to them! Get back to your own damn time line! 169 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,955 - Here we go. - Be you later. 170 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,759 Let's get out! It's gonna blow! 171 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:44,518 All in all, 100% successful trip. 172 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,671 But, sir, we lost Mr Rimmer. 173 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:50,150 All in all, 100% successful trip. 174 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:54,711 - I can't believe he did that. - Sir, I didn't tell you before, 175 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:59,476 but I discovered that Mr Rimmer is suffering from a stress-related nervous disorder. 176 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:03,792 When I see him he'll be suffering from a fist-related teeth disorder. 177 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:11,116 - Incoming message. - My escape plan worked, then? 178 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:16,189 - What escape plan? - Setting off the disintegration of the ship 179 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:21,559 by bravely leaping into the escape pod, creating a diversi�n, so you could... 180 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,598 - Actually, how did you escape? - The teleporter. 181 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,916 That wasn't the only way. 182 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:32,632 I'm sure no one's forgetting the manliness of the diversionary part of the plan, 183 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:36,076 and to hasten the recovery of the modest hero. 184 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:39,317 - Actually, Flash, that might be a problem. - What? 185 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:42,114 You're accelerating way above our top speed. 186 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:48,953 I've logged into your ident computer. Simulants looted the pod from a seeding ship. 187 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:54,478 There are no controls. It is programmed to find the nearest planet with an atmosphere. 188 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,552 - How long to get me back? - Well, let's see. 189 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:01,713 Checking the local area. No, nothing there. 190 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:05,953 Going to mid-range... Er, still nothing. 191 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,236 Going to long-range... 192 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,197 Long-long-range... 193 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:15,229 Long-long-long-range. Ah, here we have it, just computing. 194 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:20,276 - Well? How long? - Have you still got those worry balls, sir? 195 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:23,989 - Yes. - Well, start grinding like never before. 196 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,668 - How long? - Let me tell him, Kryten. 197 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:30,316 - How long? - A year and a half. 198 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,909 That's ridiculousl Get me back. 199 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:36,351 We could bring you down with a laser cannon, sir. 200 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,472 Form an orderly queue behind the gun sight. 201 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:42,831 - Another way! - Sir, there are no other options. 202 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,151 Wait. Something's happening. Course change. 203 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:49,909 Check. Your guidance system's found a nearer S3 planet. 204 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:53,470 It's taking you through that wormhole at 495372. 205 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,989 You should make planetfall in four days. 206 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,998 Isn't there a time-dilation problem with wormholes? 207 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,272 Well, yes. Since you're travelling through a compressed space, 208 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:05,557 time moves more swiftly passing though the wormhole. 209 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,837 One minute this side represents years on the other. 210 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,031 So, is that good? 211 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,191 Balls on standby, sir. 212 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,394 - More than a year and a half? - Yes. 213 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:21,479 - How much more? - Let's not beat around a bush - a lot. 214 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:26,998 - That's still beating about the bush. - Remember that medieval war, sir? 215 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:31,111 - The Thirty Years' War? - No, the other one. 216 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:35,273 - The Hundred Years' War?! - Take that figure, multiply it by six, 217 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,908 then you get your golden number, sir. 218 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,271 - Six hundred years?! - Pinch me! 219 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,111 We're losing contact, any minute. 220 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,630 Six hundred years with myself as company? I'll go mad! 221 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:52,469 There's an old Cat saying... but you don't want to hear it. 222 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:58,308 On the upside, the pod's stocked with solar accelerators. 223 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,512 That'll keep your hard light drive going. 224 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:06,231 As the pod came from a seeding ship, it may have terraforming equipment, 225 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,470 possibly with a genetic capability. 226 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:12,036 I'll never survive. I'm not the Robinson Crusoe type. 227 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,431 I'm lousy at woodwork, no good in the wild. 228 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:19,434 At school, it took me five terms to make a tent peg. 229 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:25,232 How long will it take to build a two-storey home with running water and a patio? 230 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,198 Six hundred years? I'll still be planing! 231 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,551 Losing contact any second. See you in eight lifetimes. 232 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:36,629 One last word, sir - remember your condition. Try and avoid stressful situations. 233 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:40,998 Whatever befalls you, greet it with a smile and a song. 234 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,950 You are a total, total, complete, utter, total... 235 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,509 - He's gone. - What do we do now? 236 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:57,952 Nothing we can do, I know for a fact there's no champagne. 237 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:03,031 To us, Mr Rimmer will be gone for just a few hours, 238 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:07,756 but Mr Rimmer will have to wait six centuries for us. 239 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:11,799 To hell with the champagne, we can celebrate with urine resyc. 240 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:20,552 This is the personal log of Space Corps hologram Arnold J Rimmer. 241 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:27,037 Day 1. After landing, I ventured forth to explore the place I would be calling home 242 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:30,078 for the next two thirds of a millennium. 243 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:36,156 A desert planet, the only life-forms the most basic single-celled protozoa and me. 244 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:39,756 Relationships would be difficult, but not impossible. 245 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:44,195 I repaired to the pod to appraise the supply situation. 246 00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:47,955 The pod had indeed been looted from a seeding ship. 247 00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:53,990 Among the supplies, I found two strange devices labelled "eco-accelerator rockets". 248 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:59,913 I held out little hope that they might improve my lot, but launched them anyway. 249 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:03,877 For six days, the planet was wracked with storms, 250 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,396 the like of which I had never witnessed before. 251 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,233 Then, just as suddenly, they stopped. 252 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:14,916 In just six days, I had created my own worid, lush and verdant. 253 00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:17,395 I had created Rimmerworid. 254 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:23,516 I was Adam in my own Eden, and only one thing was missing - my own Jane. 255 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:27,793 As I studied the pod's textbooks, my excitement grew. 256 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:31,748 It seemed entirely possible to create a fully grown female clone 257 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,559 using my own DNA as a template. 258 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,991 This, of course, created the most enormous moral dilemma. 259 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:42,153 Technically, she would be my sister, unable to be a lover. 260 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:46,469 After much soul searching, I reluctantly decided. 261 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,712 What the hell? I just wouldn't tell her. 262 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:55,238 After months of careful nurture, the cocoon cracked. 263 00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:59,996 Something had gone hideously wrong. 264 00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:07,595 The clone was just an identical copy of me. I went back to the manuals and tried again. 265 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:16,069 There she blows, an S3 planet. 266 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,789 Navicomp locked. Entering atmosphere. 267 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:26,271 Got something. Try quadrant four-niner-seven-two. 268 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:30,228 - Scan says there's life signs. - Confirmed. Thousands of them. 269 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:36,032 Either Mr Rimmer had the incredible good fortune to land on a populated planet, or... 270 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:39,158 - Or what? - It's too hideous to contemplate. 271 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,711 Preparing to land. 272 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,229 - Wait. Nasal alert! - You're getting something? 273 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:51,350 I sure am. My nasal hairs are quivering like an opera singer's bosom on the high notes. 274 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,278 - Halt, abomination! - Rimmer? 275 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,471 - Silence, travesty. - Rimmer? 276 00:20:56,320 --> 00:21:00,791 Never have I seen such a hideously formed or unnaturally freakish deviant. 277 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,956 Rimmer?! 278 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:09,959 Silence, mutant! How dare you stand there and address a norm using that face! 279 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,350 It's a revolting insult against nature. 280 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:17,958 This might sound a bit corny, but... I can't bring myself to say it. 281 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:19,919 Say what? 282 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:25,028 - Take us to your leader. - Sir, how could you? 283 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,515 Let the Great One judge them. 284 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,668 Who disturbs our royal snooze? 285 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:45,159 - Rimmer? It's us. - Dear lord, what created such foulness? 286 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:49,438 Is this the product of a marriage 'twixt woman and gerbil? 287 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:54,111 600 years ago? We were shipmates. We've come to save you. 288 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:58,592 We found them in the woods, Your Flared-Nostrilness 289 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:01,513 and brought them to be tried as travesties. 290 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:04,353 That ain't goalpost-head. He doesn't smell right. 291 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:07,159 Agreed, he scans as organic, not hologram. 292 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:11,438 The "H" is an affectation, possibly a symbol of power. 293 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:15,076 These deformed monsters are no sight for my concubines. 294 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:18,113 My treasures of pulchritude, run along. 295 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:23,633 Avert your eyes from her great beauty. 296 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:38,988 Let the trial begin before my jacuzzi water grows tepid. 297 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:44,909 These abominations stand charged on eight counts of gross deviancy. 298 00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:48,476 Not content with looking abnormal, they flaunt freakish behaviour 299 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:52,189 such as charm, bravery, compassi�n and... honour. 300 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,994 Are there no signs of normalcy? 301 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:59,233 No cowardice or pomposity? No snideyness or smarm? 302 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:04,269 Not even basic honest-to-goodness double-dealing two-facedness? 303 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:08,029 They didn't even attempt to sell each other out for freedom. 304 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,158 They lack even the most basic natural drives. 305 00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:17,310 - How do you plead? - We wish to speak to the hologram Rimmer. 306 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:19,994 I am he! 307 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:24,557 Not so. We seek your creator, the father of your people, 308 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,911 the first true Rimmer, the template for your species. 309 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:33,240 Enough of this heresy. At the stroke of dawn, take them out and kill them. 310 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:39,748 And when you've killed them, burn the bodies, then bring me the cold ashes on a plate... 311 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:42,832 with a glass of chilled Sancerre. 312 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:47,352 This guy's an animal. Doesn't he know it's red wine with cold ashes? 313 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,548 - Rimmer? - Smell checks out. 314 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:10,109 That truly is toilet-brush hair himself. 315 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,910 Of course! I remember. 316 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,833 Custer! Derek Custer! 317 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,070 Kit! 318 00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:20,191 Titan! 319 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:25,952 - What's happened? - How long have you been in this pit? 320 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:29,351 Speed count mode... 321 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:31,431 557 years?! 322 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:35,519 - You've been stuck here all this time? - What happened? 323 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:38,917 Can you imagine a society composed entirely of me? 324 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:44,994 I'm trying not to. Last time I did that, it took me a week to dry the mattress. 325 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:52,356 Thousands upon thousands of back-stabbing, treacherous, hypocritical, cowardly Judases. 326 00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:57,389 They overthrew me. When they found out they couldn't damage my hard light drive, 327 00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:01,109 they locked me away to protect their insane lust for power. 328 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:06,758 Look, I can understand that, but what have they got against me, Derek and Titan? 329 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:13,551 Anyone who deviates from the template is reviled. They're banished from society. 330 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:19,192 Anyone who displays behaviour deemed un-Rimmerlike is punished by death. 331 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,710 Is that why no one is brave, sexy, noble or charming? 332 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:28,760 - All crimes here. - I must be public enemy number 1, 2 and 3. 333 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:34,592 Don't they realise societies can only evolve through mutations in the gene pool. 334 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:39,754 Without richness or variety, congenital disorders and lunacy are commonplace. 335 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:44,596 Who can forget the insane European monarchies of the 19th and 20th centuries? 336 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:49,271 - Oh, what have I created? - Your very own personal hell. 337 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:53,439 Fun though it's been hearing about your 500 years of misery, 338 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,591 shouldn't we make skedaddle plans? 339 00:25:55,760 --> 00:26:01,232 I can't bear the prospect of being burned alive. Flames and peach? I'd rather die! 340 00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:08,478 - Have you tried escaping, Rimmer? - It's a planet of back-stabbing slimeballs. 341 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:11,598 I'd be sold back immediately. 342 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:18,199 There's got to be a way out. There's not a prison built that can hold Derek Custer. 343 00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:22,399 Why don't we scrape away this mortar, slide a brick out, 344 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:27,515 then using rope weaved from strands of hessian, rig up a pulley system, 345 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:33,357 the guard hits a trip wire, gets laid out, we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, 346 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:36,796 we steal some swords, and fight our way out? 347 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,673 Or we could use the teleporter. 348 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:46,909 Or, at a pinch, we could use the teleporter. 349 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:54,071 I've done it again! Two anomalies in one day. 350 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,754 I must have accessed the previous calibration. 351 00:26:56,960 --> 00:27:02,717 - Sorry, we're escaping from Rimmerworid... - Don't tell them the future. 352 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:08,438 Rimmer doesn't want to know he gets persecuted for six centuries by his clones. 353 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:15,352 Careful, bud. You almost let slip that he spends the next 557 years in a dungeon. 354 00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,869 - Rimmerworid? - I'm saying nothing, man. 355 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:21,430 - Can't spoil the surprise. - Rimmerworid was weeks ago. 356 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:25,718 We're more concerned about the hideous thing that's happened to Lister. 357 00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:29,511 - Yeah, where are you? - Yeah, where am I? I wanna know! 358 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:36,950 there's no kind of atmosphere 359 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:40,396 360 00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:43,711 361 00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:46,519 362 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:50,355 363 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:53,830 364 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:57,072 365 00:27:57,240 --> 00:28:00,471 366 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:03,393 367 00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:07,109 368 00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:09,919 369 00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:14,039